:: Emotional Void ::

:: Tuesday, December 31, 2002 ::

*black widow*

(New Year ''speech'')

dat time of the year again..last day im gonna be writing '02'. time to be writing '03'. this is gonna be a special blog entry for myself. this year has been a very emotional year for me. mixture of happiness, sadness, depression, attitude, angst...
but its time to move on to a brand new year. but before i move on, i would like to take a walk on memory lane......

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This year seems to hav a very rocky start. lots of problems in school. frenz ard me juz .....sux big time! they juz get on my nerve. got so pissed off by the whole frenship affair dat it came to a point where i kept on reminding myself dat school was gonna end real soon anyway. and i wont hav to deal with them anymore. true bliss...
but the babes kept me going. thanx guys! i may not say this a lot, but i do appreciate all of u lots...hida, ill, azi, mardi and lyds, hope u guys remain happy always:)

this is also the time where my feelings for 'him' kinda sparked all over again. i wuz hoping dat wud not happen. but alas..u cant control ur feelings. it juz happens...

i wuz drowning with school work. lots of projects to hand in. ~sigh~ i miss those busy times...
wishing dat those work wud make me forget bout 'him' .........didnt happen. on the contrary, i met him frequently in school. dat kinda makes it all even harder.

but this year, i gained overwhelming confidence in myself. i no longer care how people perceive me. and dat feeling is pure ecstasy. i neva wanna lose it. coz if i do lose it, i wud hav to start building my confidence from scratch. and dat sure aint easy..

by april, i wuz beginning to panic....coz the day i wuz gonna graduate and leave the school wuz drawing sickeningly near. i wuz desperately holding on to the school by wasting my time there every single day...even during the 'study week'. but of course, another reason for this ritual of mine wuz to meet 'him'. coz this priviledge of bumping into him wuz gonna be snatched away from me real soon.

the 'ritual' paid off. i bumped into him often...with a girl. he has a girlfriend. not ur usual fairy tale, where the princess always gets the prince. this story ended with me being the fool to get myself tangled in a one-sided 'affair' in the first place.

after graduation, things kinda work against me. job prospects hasnt been too good. unemployment has made me think a lot bout wat to do with my life. and of course, thinking bout how i hav been wasting my life away at home...inevitably, depression has to sink in.

i hav to deal with depression every single day...i seem to view my life in a different perspective. life appears more...real. i hav to deal with 'real' problems. not things like 'im having a bad hair day' or 'i hav a new zit on my face'. those problems seem mere pittance now dat i think about it.

now, i hav to think bout my future. education and career seems to be my top priority right now. so hopefully, 2003 will be the year which will get me thru all these.:)

turning 20, there dont seem to be any difference to my freedom as compared to when i wuz 12. dat got me frustrated. i am not given any space to move. my family owns me...they juz do. guess the only time
they wil actually give me enuf freedom wud be when im married.
...by then, my husband owns me. again, my hope for freedom is dashed.

my only hope is australia next year....

in august, my beloved uncle passed away. i still cant believe he's gone. i miss him dearly..but i know he's in a safe place..with God.

end of this year, the depression kinda sink in even deeper. got right thru my skin and flesh...into my heart. even great outings with the babes didnt help. i wud juz sink back into depression when i get home.

but yesterday wuz the turning point. i surprised even myself! im actually feeling happy; for once; after a long period of depression. got all excited bout the songs by avril lavigne and i juz adore 'merry' and 'pippin' from LoTR.
and when im happy, i blabber a lot...so dat is fun.:)

hope this happiness will last..:)

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!
may the new year marks a great start to all things wonderful for all of u!

:: black widow 12/31/2002 06:52:00 PM [+] ::
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